


give me your hand and I'll hold it

by jamesniall



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: 5 + 1 Things, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Niall-centric, OT5 Friendship, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-17
Updated: 2015-01-17
Packaged: 2018-03-07 22:00:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,876
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3184706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jamesniall/pseuds/jamesniall
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Five times the boys worry/are protective over Niall and one time they cuddle him just because.</p>
            </blockquote>





	give me your hand and I'll hold it

**Author's Note:**

> wellllll, this took me way too long to finish, but that's not surprising with me.
> 
> anyway, this was supposed to be shorter that it is and i started it with a kind of different idea. It was supposed to be about niall struggling with his knee after his surgery, because a wonderful person suggested it after i wrote [“small steps until we reach the sun”](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1135902) but after writing the first 1k words that video of the boys in brazil in the bread van came out and i felt the need to write and ot5 fic with the boys protecting Niall at all costs, and that's what this is!
> 
> this has no kind of chronological order, i changed some dates, because the boys weren't in america by Theo's bday but it all changes for the benefit of fiction, right? 
> 
> i hope you like it and tell me what you think<3 
> 
> pd: there are brief descriptions of a panic attack and niall struggling with anxiety but it's not too detailed....if it can trigger you, please beware<3

**1.**

 

It’s chilly in the small backstage room they have under the stage in Bogotá. Niall has goosebumps all over his exposed arms, and he can’t decide whether they’re from excitement, the change of altitude, or just the cold that doesn’t seem to escape him since they landed two days ago.

He’s sitting on a big sofa, mindlessly scrolling through twitter and glancing over at Zayn and Louis’ FIFA game every once in a while. They still have about half an hour before going on stage, and it seems like every minute comes slower than the other. He can feel the ground vibrating under his feet, the roaring of the fans making his knee bounce up and down in both excitement and nervousness. 

He doesn’t notice he’s picking on his nails until Harry comes and sits beside him, taking his fingers in his very warm hands and hissing at him, “Stop it, you.” Harry says, there’s a playful frown on his face that Niall has only ever seen on his face. “Nervous?”

“Sorta,” he sighs out, wiping his sweaty palms on his jeans, “I’m not as nervous as I am excited, I guess, but still, it’s always nerve-wracking. First show of a new tour and all.” he smiles small up at Harry, who hasn’t let go of his hand quite yet. 

“We’re gonna smash it out there. I was having a look around a bit ago and it’s crazy out there, we could mess up every word and they’d still love us for being here, it’s fantastic,” Harry says, letting his back fall against the sofa and taking Niall down with him. “You got them spanish words to make everyone go nuts,” he chuckles, squeezing Niall’s hand. It’s warm now that it’s been in Harry’s grasp for a few minutes, and it makes him want to cuddle into Harry’s chest to warm his arms up too, but he has too much restless energy to stay still.

“It’s just unreal, y’know?” Niall mumbles softly, fingers playing with the loose threads of his ripped jeans, barely gazing over the angry red scar. That’s another thing he’s quietly worried about.

It’s the first show after the surgery, and even though it’s been three months and physical therapy has done him well, he’s still quite uneasy about it. Scared that in the rush of energy that comes with performing he’s gonna do something wrong and mess it up again. It still feels weak sometimes, it still freezes up when he least expects it, but he’s been home when that had happened, or he had the support of his crutches, but he can’t let anything like that happen in front of a stadium full of people.

Harry clearing his throat brings him back to earth, and he remembers he was in the middle of saying something. “I mean, we’re in South America, in a sold out stadiums tour, when the hell did that happen?!” 

Harry laughs, but he’s eyeing Niall carefully. “And you’re sure that’s all?” He asks simply. 

“If you’re gonna ask something just do it, Haz.”

“Okay, okay. How’s the knee?”

“Good.” Niall replies. “It’s fine. Right now it’s fine, I’m more worried of how is gonna be after the show.” Niall says, looking down at his lap.

“Hey, you’ll be just fine. You’re well aware you can’t do those high jumps you love, but just take it easy. Enjoy it but don’t take it too far,” Harry smiles at him, still squeezing his fingers softly. It makes Niall feel calmer. Even if the calm lasts less than five minutes because Preston and Paul call them all out, ushering them out of the room and into the hallway that will take them to the stage. Niall is putting on his ear buds, fixing his mic so it’s in the right place, close but not too close to his mouth. He fixes the strap of his guitar when someone hands it to him quickly, gripping to it tightly and doing little jumps on his tip toes.

The crowd gets louder as the intro video gets to an end, and by the time Harry has already sung his first line, he feels every worry fly out of him with the “Colombia!” he shouts out when he sees the stadium completely full, the smile doesn’t leave his face even after they finish Midnight Memories.

It goes more than alright. The ramps are not as steep as he remembers them being on that first day of rehearsal when he had to sit down more than he had to sing. He feels perfectly fine, running back and forth the catwalk and letting himself enjoy the rush of adrenaline he feels in his veins. The crowd is absolutely crazy, never leaving a moment of silence and Niall feels completely blissed out, he’s the happiest he’s been since January. 

The boys throw at him all kind of reassuring smiles, pats in the back and even some tweaks in his nipples. The fans sing along to every song, and Niall feels loved in a way he could never describe. 

 

 

A dull ache starts when they’re in the van on their way back to the hotel. Is not bad, maybe a little more strong than the pain he used to get after therapy or the few weeks he started walking without crutches again. It’s bothersome, but not terribly painful, he’s just tired, and the ice pack he brought from London could be of good use as soon as he gets to his hotel room.

He’s relieved, mostly. Because he definitely expected something worse, he expected the same pain that had been haunting him for the last half of the Take Me Home tour, but this is nothing compared to what he’s used to. He sighs out, feeling happy yet so sleepy all of a sudden, and he curls up against the source of warmth beside him.

It’s Harry, of course it is. And he’s looking at him with concern in his eyes, he’s been looking at him like that since they came off stage, but Niall’s been doing a good job at ignoring his band mate’s worry.

“Tired, are we?” Harry whispers, and that’s when Niall notices that Louis and Zayn are passed out in the other seat. Zayn’s head in Louis’ lap and Louis’ back resting against Liam’s shoulder. Liam is looking out of the window, looking contemplative, but peaceful. Niall feels the need to don’t disturb him, so he whispers back to Harry, “Yeah, just a bit.”

“Go back to my room when we get to the hotel, yeah?”

Niall frowns, but he’s nodding anyway, “Sure, but why? What do ya have up your sleeve, Haz?” 

Harry chuckles softly, breath tickling Niall’s neck, “My room is not as close to the street as yours, you’ll sleep better.”

“Thanks for your concern, but I need to ice me knee, and the equipment is in my room, already set up there. So it’s either we both spend the night listening to the fans screams, or you help me carry back that monster to your room.”

“I’ll help you set it up in my room, that’s fine, why do you need to ice it though, are you okay?” Harry asks, not whispering so soft anymore. Niall rolls his eyes.

“I’m fine, Haz. Just tired, it barely hurts. Not as much as it did last tour, remember? That was hell. It’s just the normal pain after physical exertion, now I just need a good rest.”

“Okay, if you say so.” Harry kisses Niall’s forehead and squeezes him in his arm before they go back to the quietness until they get to the hotel.

Niall doesn’t miss the way Harry’s eyes don’t seem to leave Niall. He’s watching as if he’s waiting for Niall to start hobbling or rubbing at his knee. But Niall doesn’t. He’s  _fine_  and he wishes Harry could stop giving him those careful wide-eyed looks.

The boys notice, of course they do. Zayn looking more awake as he walks up to Niall and wraps his arm around his waist. “How was it, babes? You good?” and Niall nods, buries his head on Zayn’s neck for a second and kisses his cheek.

“I’m good, Z. Only in need of a long night’s sleep.” 

Louis comes behind him, tickling him softly in the sides making Zayn let go of him. He looks relieved when Niall jumps and sprints down the hallway so Louis doesn’t catch him again. And Liam just watches them all, shoulders relaxing when Harry announces he’s spending the night with Niall.

If they’re going to keep up this over-protectiveness the whole tour, Niall might as well just get used to it.

When they finally get to Harry’s room, Harry patiently helps him to set up the ice machine, even if Niall insists he can do it himself, that he has practice at it, Harry just throws pillows at him and asks random questions like  _are you sure this doesn’t go too tight on your knee?_ and if Niall didn’t love him so much he’d have gone to his room ages ago.

They finally settle down on the huge bed and wait for the twenty minutes Niall always spends icing his knee, but after that, they’ve gotten in a way too comfortable position to move ever again and Niall claims he’s too sleepy to care if his whole leg goes numb.

Harry disagrees, of course. He spends a good ten minutes between biting Niall’s arms and tickling him so Niall lets him go to turn off the machine.

“You sure you’re okay? You know if it ever hurts too much you tell us right away, you don’t have to downplay your pain just because of a show, yeah?” Harry whispers after turning off all the lights and spooning Niall’s back tight to his chest, he’s rubbing softly Niall’s thigh and knee, and Niall is just  _this_  close to falling asleep. “Swear I’m fine,” he mumbles, “love you, Haz” he hums before he’s out for the night.

 

-

 

The next time it happens, they  _have_  a reason to worry. 

They are in Amsterdam, playing a second night at one of the most amazing stadiums Niall has ever been at. The whole place looks lighted up in orange, and it makes him smile wide to know all those people are here for them. He and his boys. 

The chords of Story Of My Life are starting when Niall turns around, opening his arms wide towards the crowd to signal them to sing out loud, when something  _hard_ hits him straight in his left knee.

He sees white for a few seconds. Doubling over and squeezing his eyes shut to get his breath back. 

When he opens them again, he sees a phone, broken and lying just by his side, and when he looks back to his leg, he sees his scar looking slightly redder than usual, he can feel it throbbing when the fabric of his jeans rub against it, reminding him of the first days after the surgery, when the smallest move made him feel like the stitches would burst out at any moment. It stings, and when he tries to bend his knee he fights down both a wince and curse.

He can see Louis coming closer to him out of the corner of his eye, so he straightens up, breathes deeply and tries to keep his face neutral as he turns once more around and walks towards the next position he’s supposed to be in. Not so subtly avoiding Louis’ concerned gaze.

The facade doesn’t last. He mutters out a  _fuck_ when Louis’ hands gets in contact with his shoulder and his left feet on the ground.

“Niall?” He faintly hears Louis’ voice over the endless screams of the fans. He thinks it’s pointless now, the fans have clearly noticed and now that Louis has too, it’s only a matter of the song ending until all the boys are on Niall.

He makes a gesture with his hands, trying to say  _just gimme a minute_  as he starts the exhausting walk until the end of the catwalk just in time to sing his solo.

 

The show goes on and the pain intensifies with every passing minute, it gets a bit excruciating to walk during Little White Lies and Zayn not so discreetly asks him if they should give him five minutes to sort it out and just sit still while Liam and Harry chat up the crowd.

They do it even if Niall adamantly declines Zayn’s offer, Harry tells way too many jokes and Liam has repeated the same thing but with different words at least three times - He loves them so much and he appreciates the precious minutes they gave him to sit hidden behind one of the ramps and rub his knee - But the faster they finish the show, the better, at least that’s what Niall tells himself as he stands up and signals Louis that it’s time to shut them up and wrap it up.

He says his goodbyes to the fans from his spot in the main stage, not wanting to risk it running through the catwalk with the rest. He waves and waves and when he sees the boys running back he rushes up the ramps. It’s horrible, the feeling of wanting to be away and out of the stadium as soon as possible. It’s never been like this.

He feels a hand on his shoulder and another one on his back, pushing him gently and giving him support when his pace falters and his knee gives out for a second.

Harry mumbles a “you’re okay, someone will check it out at the hotel,” when they finally reach the platform that will take them backstage and away from prying, pitying eyes and professional video cameras.

“Don’t think I need a doctor, I’ll be fine. Probably just gonna rest it off for a day,” Niall says as they walk to the cars waiting outside. He doesn’t look up to meet the worried glares from the others and instead stays focused on not letting his knee give out under him.

“If you think we’ll let this pass up without someone at least taking a look at that, you’re wrong, Nialler.” Liam stats from beside him, wrapping an arm to the side where Basil is not supporting him.

“I’m fine.” He repeats.

“In a scale from one to eleven how bad is it?” Harry asks, paying no mind to Niall’s statement.

“Eleven?” Niall scoffs, shaking his head, he wants to say eight, maybe risk being too honest by saying nine. “I think a seven, a six if I stay still. A zero if you guys stop fretting and let me ice it and sleep.”

“Not happening,” Louis says.

 

- 

 

The doctor doesn’t say anything Niall doesn’t already know. He suggests some painkillers to have a restful sleep, but other than that and a longer time than usual icing it, Niall should be back to jumping up and down in a day. 

“Good thing this didn’t happen in San Siro, eh?” Harry asks when the doctor leaves and the rest of the boys are helping him putting on comfier clothes. “Imagine, Niall Horan hurts his knee, watch it in exclusive HD in One Direction’s new DVD.”

“Good one, Haz,” Louis says, kissing Niall’s forehead as a goodnight, “but Nialler here still has the best announcer voice.”

Niall laughs at that, sticks his tongue out at Harry and blows kisses to the other three before they leave the room, leaving him and Harry alone. 

Harry is about to turn off the small lamp and go to sleep when Niall breaks the silence the rest left when they closed the door, “don’t you get tired of doing this?” the blonde asks.

“What?”

“This, just. You’re always there when my knee gets dodgy all over again. This is like the thousand time you let me sleep in your room just because it’s a bit sore.”

“It wasn’t just a bit sore tonight, Ni.” Harry blinks up at him, “as much as you a tried to hide it, I could see right through you, you were hurting, a lot. And it hurts to see it happening without being able to stop it.” He says, squeezing Niall’s hand, “If the only thing I’m good at is lending my bed to cuddle you and make sure you’re not alone while you’re in pain then that’s what I’ll do.”

Niall smiles at that, “you’re not only good at that, don’t be so hard on yourself. Your jokes were pretty useful back at the show.”

“You think so?”

“I swear.” Niall says, moving down carefully to snuggle into Harry’s chest, “I was pretty scared, like, I didn’t know what happened inside there. The surgery was only five months ago, full recover is like eight months, I just thought I’d have to deal with a surgery all over again.”

Harry nods against his hair, “that’s understandable.”

“If it stays between me and you, it did hurt a lot, but you lads worry enough as it is, you were a ball of nerves when I fell butt first in the sofa backstage, I didn’t want to make it worse by confirming that it was as bad as you guys were imagining it.”

“Niall- that’s- don’t do that,” Harry whispers, squeezing Niall closer to his body, “we worry, of course we do, you had tears in your eyes for god’s sake, I thought of the worse too, but I didn’t say it out loud to not worry you.”

“It’s a never ending cycle then.” Niall chuckles, “we all worry silently not wanting to worry the others.” 

“We’re a weird bunch of lads,” Harry yaws, lifting his head to not get Niall’s hair in his mouth. “Love you, Ni, sleep well, wake me if you need anything, okay? Promise.”

“Promise Haz, love you back.”

 

 

**2.**

 

 

Niall already feels suffocated enough as it is. They’re in Brazil, and even though it’s not sunny, the warmness that he’s not quite used to is making him feel a bit restless in the small of his hotel room.

They are called downstairs, to the reception, because they have plans for the day and it’s such a relief to move. To get out and walk around. Niall sometimes feels like he needs his life to stay hectic, the busier they are, the better it suits him.

They’ve been copped up inside the hotels since they started the tour in South America and Niall is excited at the prospect of sightseeing for the day.

The five of them follow their couple of security men and camera men to a secluded part of the parking lot and he deflates when he sees a small van, with three seats in the front. The rest is white, no windows, it looks way too small.

“What’s that?” Liam asks as they get closer the tiny vehicle. It’s obvious that they’re getting to wherever they’re going in that thing and Niall doesn’t think he likes the idea

He stays behind a bit, almost stepping on Louis’ feet when he stops moving and looks inside when they open the back doors.

“It’s a bread van,” Harry replies, “I drove one of those in Holmes Chapel,” he smirks, “I worked in a bakery,” he tells to the driver, who nods kindly at him.

“Okay, inside you go boys.” Security says. Niall swallows his complaints and nods.

Liam gets inside first, then Harry, Zayn, Louis and lastly and reluctantly Niall steps inside too. There are white pillows all around the walls but it doesn’t make it look any less scarier for Niall.

He’s glancing nervously as two camera men stand outside discussing over who’s going with them and Niall can’t help but ask, “I thought it was just going to be, you know, the five of us here, but, there will be cameras too?” his voice wavers a little and Zayn sits up to look at him from beside him, patting his leg.

“Yeah, they’re doing a thing, DVD or TV special of some kind,” Liam replies. “It’s just one of them though, there’s enough space.”

“Yeah,” Niall says, trying to keep his limbs still and his breathing steady. He’s not sure if he wants them to hurry the fuck up so Niall can get out of there as soon as possible, or if he wants them to take their precious time so Niall can see the door open for a bit longer.

The men outside shake their hands and nod to the driver that they’re good to go and Niall’s insides twist uncomfortably as the man gets inside and shakes all of their hands. His name is Carl and Niall is thankful to see he ignores the shaking of Niall’s hand when he looks at him. Niall just wants to run away.

He chokes on a gasp when the doors shut close and the car vibrates under him. He’s suddenly not sure if he has his eyes closed or if it’s that dark inside, he rubs at them harshly, feeling his chest tighten and his lungs contract painfully. This is gonna be bad.

“God, no.” he whimpers as he curls his legs close to his chest and tries to keep taking deep breaths. He knows they’re outside when the sound of screams hit his ears, but it’s nothing compared to what they’re used to so he’s sure no one knows One Direction is inside a bread van of all places.

Even though they’ve gone through worse, have been mobbed countless times, Niall finds that there’s too much noise, that everything is too loud around him, even the bickering between his band mates is doing nothing to keep him sane. He groans when Liam says they’re out of the perimeter of the hotel and it’s just a matter of ten or so minutes to get to their destination.

As hot and as restless he felt back in his hotel room, he’d give his everything to be back there right now.

He bites his lip to keep his whimpers and curses at bay, but Louis notices. He’s close beside him, rubbing Niall’s back constantly, Niall thinks of it like the feeble string that’s keeping him grounded and aware, keeping him away from a full panic attack.

“Ni, they’re going to start filming a bit before we get there.” Louis informs him. “Are you okay, you’ve been in that position for a while.”

Niall shakes his head but lifts it anyway, it’s not as dark anymore, the camera has a small lamp on the corner and Niall winces when the light blinds him for a second. “Don’t,” he mutters.

“What did you say, Ni?” Louis gently asks him.

“No, don’t- don’t film me, please, don’t.”

“Okay. Niall, hey, you’re okay. We’re almost there, you need to calm down, buddy, you’re shaking badly.” Louis’ words don’t help, it just drives him further away from them and closer to the consuming panic. He can’t calm down and that just makes him shake more, tears stinging in his eyes as his hands pull his hair 

A hand stops him. There’s another hand rubbing his ankles, probably Harry’s, because he’s in front of him.

“Niall, deep breaths, Ni, there’s no hurry, we’re all safe here, focus on your breathing.” Liam says from somewhere close to him, not too close to make him feel more trapped, but close enough to make him feel less shaky.

He can feel himself sweating even though his limbs feel cold. Someone is blowing him air and Louis keeps rubbing his back. “Are we almost there?” he asks in between his panting.

He hears Liam saying that there’s traffic, but that it shouldn’t be long. Niall’s mind shuts down again anyway, muttering a “no, no, no, no, let’s get out now, I don’t care.”

“We can’t get out Ni, but we’ll get there soon enough, you’ll be good, we’re gonna see so many nice things, you’re gonna love it.” Louis says, “think of all of that, yeah? Think of being out there, in the free and big of one of the most beautiful places of Brazil.” He shushes him softly, “we’ll take so many photos together and you’ll call home later today to tell them all about it, how’s that sound, uh? Good, doesn’t? It’s going to be so great, Nialler.”

Niall nods, gripping the hand that Louis offers when he opens his eyes. He’s still shaking and it’s still scary to be inside there. But he’s better now that he can breathe without his lungs aching. He looks around, but this time he only focuses on the comfort his band mate’s presence provides him instead of looking at the black walls. They don’t seem to be closing in on him anymore and that makes him feel more settled.

“We’re never doing this again,” he says, and it’s the firmest thing he has said since they got inside. They laugh and just with that the air around Niall is not as thick, not as difficult to breathe.

The man the with the camera smiles at him, and Niall feels rubbish at the fact he forgot his name, he asks “is it okay to start filming now? I won’t be traveling back with you lads and we need to get at least five minutes on tape, we already got three, it won’t be much.”

“What?” Niall asks.

“We didn’t film you, babes, don’t fret,” Zayn says, quickly reassuring him, “we got the part where we succeeded getting out of the hotel.”

“Oh.” Niall sighs, fidgeting as the camera zooms on Harry as he talks about working in a bakery. He distances himself again, closing his eyes and grabbing a bottle of water, pressing it to his cheeks and forehead. The car stops suddenly and Niall’s heart skips a beat, “why did we stop?” he whispers to Louis.

“Don’t know Ni, but there’s no need to worry,” Louis replies, rubbing Niall’s chest when his breathing gets a bit raged again. “Don’t do that, Niall, you’re fine, we’re all here to make sure nothing ever happens to you." 

Niall nods, squeezing his eyes shut.

“How are you feeling, Nialler?” Liam asks, patting his leg and keeping it there, rubbing soothingly.

“Not good.”

“Are we nearly there?” Louis shouts, Niall feels relief come back to his body when the driver shouts back, “we’re gonna open the doors!”

Niall is the second one to get out, Harry’s first, and even though Niall had planned to fly out of those doors as soon as they opened, his legs almost give out under him, Harry catches him, along with Basil. The sunlight hurts his eyes and his limbs feel still too shaky, but he’s okay. He’s out of that bloody van and he takes the calmest breath of the day.

They have an amazing day, indeed. He takes almost thirty pictures and a short video of them doing the dumbest things. The drive back is calmer, this time Niall asks to be taken in the front, next to the driver. No one fights it. It’s clear none of them want to see Niall go through that, ever again. Louis asks to go with him in the front too and both of them squeeze themselves in the seats. The other three go in the back and they spend the whole ride shouting back and forth, singing the radio songs out of tune. It sounds terrible, mainly because they don’t know Portuguese, but Niall has a laugh nonetheless, their banter always makes a bad day seem like nothing.

 

 

  **3.**

 

 

When they’re in America, calling back home gets harder. Well, calling back home is okay, but getting an answer from a machine or hearing an endless beep is what gets frustrating after the first week.

The thing is, Theo’s birthday is coming soon, in less than a week he’s going to be one, and Niall is all the way in another continent fighting down a headache as he calls Greg for the thousand time, and for the thousand time he doesn’t get an answer.

His _hey, what size is it better to buy his clothes now?_ And _is he still using the same brand of diapers? Also little shoes ! size pls_ texts are still unanswered, and that’s vital information he needs so he can finish his online shopping and ship them to Ireland so little Theo can get them on time.

It’s stressing to say the least. And Niall gets anxious thinking of his nephew expecting lots of exciting and pretty gifts from his uncle and coming out empty handed. He thinks of Greg tweeting something similar to “Niall didn’t even bother to send presents to Theo” and Bobby’s confused call asking if he got too busy to send a card at least.

None of that it’s gonna happen, and he knows it, somewhere deep inside him he knows they’d understand, but that doesn’t help the uneasiness that keeps growing with every ignored call.

“What are you doing?” Zayn asks as he enters the tour bus, “heard it’s the little man’s first birthday soon and I’m here to check you’re giving him things appropriate for his age.”

Niall snorts. A signed football ball, a set of golf clubs and ride-on car will fit just right. He’s sure he’s going to add a bunch of irrational and unnecessary things to his cart, but he won’t give Zayn the satisfaction. “I have that sorted, thanks mate. I just need to buy the clothes and some small pair of shoes.”

“And how’s that going?”

“Greg hasn’t answered.”

Zayn looks at him oddly, “What does one thing have to do with the other?”

“Theo grew out of the set of clothes I bought him like a month ago. Haven’t seen him since.” He mutters.

“So, you need the size he’s using now?” Niall nods at Zayn’s question, staring at the screen of his laptop but not really reading or seeing anything. He’s beyond annoyed at this point, and Zayn is quick to realize.

“Hey, want to play a bit of FIFA before leaving to the stadium?” Zayn asks carefully, squeezing the nape of Niall’s neck and playing with the longer strands of Niall’s hair, “we also have the fridge stocked, mate, we could make good use of that before the others are back.”

That gets a laugh out of Niall, finally closing his laptop’s lid and agreeing with Zayn. He’ll try calling back home again, when he’s calmer and his belly is full.

 

-

  

He calls after the show and this time he succeeds. He wakes Greg up because it’s close to five in the morning in Ireland, but Niall tells him he deserves it for ignoring him the last few days. He’s in a better mood the next morning, knowing he already bought everything he wanted and Theo needed and that it will be right on time for the little one’s birthday celebration.

He stays in good spirits as always the next three days, but the morning of July 16th he wakes up without wanting to get out of his bunk. He hears the others rummaging through the bus, probably getting ready for breakfast, or going outside. Niall has no idea where they are.

His phone vibrates against his hand, telling him his mum is calling.

“Hello?” he says, the sound of static is what greets him back. “Hello? Mum is that you?” 

“Niall, dear, wait a second.” Maura replies, and Niall waits, frowning at the sound of multiple voices in the other end of the phone.

It’s not until Niall hears a mumbled and babbled “Uncle Ni?” that he freezes and sits up straight. The voices get louder after that, Niall guesses they’re encouraging Theo to talk to him on the phone. Niall’s heart pangs in his chest.

“Theo? Hi little man, happy birthday, buddy!” Niall cheers, Theo giggles in response. Theo is still mastering the art of talking, so the whole ten minutes the call lasts are all about Niall asking dumb questions and cheering at every little sound his nephew makes for him.

Theo mutters as small “bye bye” when he gets bored of listening to Niall’s voice, Niall waits a few seconds until his mum talks again. “Hi sweetheart,” she says, she sounds happy, Niall thinks, “Poor lad, he kept looking at the door thinking you were around. Doesn’t quite understand how phone calls work just yet,” she laughs 

“I bet,” Niall laughs back, but he doesn’t feel as happy as she seems to be, “how’s he, then?”

“Getting bigger every day. You should have seen him a couple of days ago trying to climb out of his crib, he’s adorable, has the cutest laugh.” Maura gushes and keeps gushing about all the things Niall has missed in the past month and a half.

Niall nods every time she pauses, even though she cannot see him, he replies with a “yeah? That’s great, mum,” every once in a while, but if anything, this conversation is only helping the homesickness he was trying to keep at bay to progress into a deep ache in his chest.

“Niall, baby are you still there?” she asks, Niall guesses she probably asked a question when he was busy swallowing his feelings down his throat.

“Yeh, mum, course I am.” He says, “still a bit sleepy.”

“Oh dear, you must be tired, is that why you’re so quiet?”

Niall nods to himself again, “Yeah, sorry." 

“Don’t be, Niall, are you sure that’s all? Something is bothering you.” She says, Niall knows she knows him way too well, lying won’t get him out of this one.

“I miss you all, mum,” Niall whispers, voice crackling a bit. “Say my greeting to all of ‘em in there, yeah? And kiss little Theo for me.”

“Oh Niall, you know I will. And by the way, your presents, the one you sent, dear they’re all so beautiful, we got it on video when Theo was opening them, thank you so much.”

“It was nothing,” he sighs, “mum I have to go, need to have breakfast.”

“I’ll have Denise send you the video later today, okay? Have fun out there. We miss you too, so much, but we’re so proud of you, we’ll see you in a few weeks and it’ll be like no time passed at all.” Maura says soothingly, Niall wishes it helped as much as it did when he was back home.

“Yeah, okay, I’ll call you later, thank you, mum, love you.”

“We love you too, Theo sends a big kiss.”

“Right back at him,” Niall smiles feebly, and Maura says a last goodbye before he ends the call and shoves his phone under his pillow.

He stays there for a while, no one comes to look for him and Niall is not sure if he appreciates it or if it hurts. His phones vibrates again, this time is a notification from Facebook and he opens it to see that Denise already sent the video and he presses play without a second thought.

He’s blinking back tears by the second time he replays it, hearing Theo’s giggles and watching him clapping his little hands excitedly every time Bobby says “And this one is from Uncle Niall!”  It’s a five minutes video, and in the middle of the third time watching it, someone knocks just outside his bunk.

He wipes his cheeks quickly and tells them to come in. Of course is Zayn, standing out there with his pyjama pants and a sweatshirt.

“Are you coming out of there or should we bring you breakfast here?” he asks, but Niall shakes his head slowly.

“Not really hungry right now, I’ll eat later, promise.”

“Ni, it’s almost eleven in the morning. We have to go at three to the stadium, don’t you want to take a shower and watch a movie with us?”

Niall bites his lip and shakes his head.

Zayn frowns at that, squeezing beside Niall in his bunk, “Okay, spill, what has you so worked up?”

“What do you mean?”

“You were crying, Nialler.” Zayn asks, “is it because of the other day? You managed to send the presents just fine, didn’t you?”

Niall nods, cuddling into Zayn’s side, “No, I did, they got home safe and sound.”

“What's the matter, then, you look all sad, Ni.”

“I just, I think I should have shipped meself to Mullingar, with the presents.” He laughs, but it ends in a sigh.

Zayn doesn’t say anything right away, so Niall continues, “Mum called and she was like, so happy and excited for the small get together that’s happening at home right now. She spent like half an hour telling me all the things Theo has done and I missed. And it just sucks.” Niall explains, clutching Zayn’s sweatshirt, needing the warmth and the comfort, “I talked to Theo too, he’s the cutest baby.” He says quietly.

Zayn nods, rubbing his back when Niall’s voice cracks, “they sent a video of him opening the presents, want to see?” Niall asks, lifting his phone and handing it to Zayn. He knows he’ll watch it anyway.

It’s when the video is nearing the end, when Niall hears the “Love uncle Ni!” for the fourth time that morning, that he starts choking on his feelings. Zayn must sense it somehow because he shushes him and holds him closer, Niall is almost lying on top of Zayn, but he’s never felt safer before.

There are tears silently falling from Niall’s eyes, sliding down the side of his face and falling on Zayn’s neck.

“You’ll see him soon, Ni.” He says when Niall’s crying gets a notch worst, “that little boy loves you so much, he’ll be so happy to see you even if you go home in 3 months.”

“I don’t want to wait three months, Z.” Niall cries, trying to wipe his eyes but giving up after a while.

“You know it won’t be so long, this leg of the tour ends in 2 weeks, you’ll go home then, and cuddle him for the whole three weeks we have off.”

Niall nods, his forehead meets Zayn’s chin and it kind of tickles when he feels the harsh of Zayn’s beard making contact with his skin. He can feel himself relaxing under the familiarity of it all. He may be a good thousand miles away from home, but he has another home in here. In his bunk, in his best friend’s arms. This whole bus is like a shelter to them. The distance gets a bit less terrifying as long as Niall has those four boys beside him.

 

- 

 

The show that night is what Niall needed to recharge his energy. He can see signs with Theo’s name in the crowd and he finds that it actually makes him smile instead of feeling like a kick in his gut. He makes them sing the loudest Happy Birthday during the Instagram questions, and Niall films it with his phone. It’s a bit overwhelming, seeing a stadium full of people cheering with all they got, it’s for his nephew more than it is for him and that makes him feel warm in his chest, a different and a whole lot better feeling that the tightness and ache of this morning.

Harry is silly dancing in the other side of the stage, Liam is leading them all like an orchestra and Zayn and Louis are jumping and cheering in the end of the catwalk. He saves it and thanks them all, his eyes shining with happy and grateful tears. Louis calls up a “group hug in Theo’s name!” with Niall in the middle.

Zayn walks up to him when the next song is starting, he doesn’t say anything at all, but the smile he gives him and the one Niall sends back is enough to make him feel alright for the rest of their stay in America.

 

 

  **4.**

 

 

Going to award shows is always exciting and stressing for Niall. It’s a rush of adrenaline and pride when they are nominated and an overwhelming rush of anxiety when they have to perform.

He doesn’t like performing in front of small crowds, and it’s not like the AMAs are a small event, but it’s a crowd he doesn’t know. A One Direction concert is always exciting, nerve wracking in all the good ways, Niall knows what to expect out there when it’s a stadium full of people that are there for them. They’re loud and crazy and he builds himself up for that, he feels confident and relaxed, happily singing his little heart out, there’s no better feeling than that.

But an awards ceremony is a different thing. There are celebrities, artists of such calibre that make Niall’s heart thrum way too fast. There are fans too, but not all of them are One Direction fans, not all of them know One Direction. Not all of them will accept, take and enjoy whatever happens on stage.

Paul is leading them to their dressing room, followed by Lou, Caroline and the rest of their team along with the band. Niall is already tense, he rolls his shoulders and breathes in and out as steady as he can. He tries to relax, feeling nervous two hours before the show starts and still feeling nervous until they perform is always draining.

The boys manage to distract him most of the time. They have a few rounds of ping pong, eat pizza, play FIFA and cuddle until it’s time to put on their best outfits, do their hair and go out to the red carpet.

The red carpet is always busy but they still enjoy it, they smile and answer questions and smile some more until they’re lead to the theatre, that’s the moment Niall feels a huge weight on his shoulders.

He bites his nails until they reach their seats and forces himself to stop when Liam shakes his head at him, “don’t do that, Nialler, no need to be so nervous, we still have time until we have to get up there.”

 It must be easy for Liam, saying that. But it’s easier said than done. Niall still doesn’t understand this irrational anxiety he feels when they do these type of things, when they are on TV and the crowd is not known territory, but every time it riddles him with nerves and with every show it gets worse instead of feeling less terrifying.

 

- 

 

“Ni, what was the final score of Derby’s last game?” Louis asks randomly as they make their way back to the dressing room. They are fifteen minutes away from performing and Niall feels sick, clammy all over.

“Um, we won, 3-0,” he says, buttoning up the shirt he’s going to wear for the performance, “didn’t you watch it, Lou? We absolutely smashed it.”

“Just like how you’ll smash it in a few minutes,” he says smiling at Niall.

Niall smiles back, crackling a little, “you’re crazy.”

“Right back at you, mate,” Louis says, going to the small closet to look for his change of clothes.

Niall sits in the couch as he waits for the rest to be ready. He’s too fidgety, he keeps biting his nails until the taste of blood makes him stop, only to start all over again in a couple of seconds. He squeezes his thigh, messes with hair and tries to fix it again when Lou looks at him.

He’s rubbing at his knee when Zayn sits next to him, “those three are useless,” he laughs, “Liam and Harry confused their outfits and one of them is wearing half of the other’s outfit.”

Niall laughs with Zayn when they hear Harry shouting, “You’re rubbish, Liam!” followed by more snickering and disapproving glances from Caroline.

“How are you doing?” Zayn asks quietly, taking Niall’s hand from his mouth and checking his fingers, one of them is bleeding just a bit and the nail of his middle finger looks raw, Zayn shakes his head and slaps Niall’s thigh playfully.

“I’m close to puking my guts out, Z.” Niall admits, swallowing hard and trying to make his foot stop shaking.

“We need to work on getting you less worked up every time we get invited to awards. It hurts to say it, Ni, but every time you seem worse.” Zayn winces, stroking Niall’s cheek when Niall cuddles close to him.

“I know,” Niall sighs out, he feels tired already and the biggest part of the night is yet to happen, “I don’t know how to stop and I don’t know what causes it, but every time I just spiral into this one massive bag of nerves.”

Zayn nods, “We’ll work on it, okay? You smash it every time and this time won’t be an exception.”

Niall nods against Zayn’s neck, his scent fills Niall’s nose and his muscles relax for a very few seconds. He doesn’t know how much longer they have, but Louis is ready and so is Liam. Harry is yet to appear from the bathroom, but he feels like the spare minutes of calmness are slipping through his fingertips.

Liam kneels in front of him, elbows digging in Niall’s thighs gently. It doesn’t hurt but it’s enough to break the bubble Zayn and Niall were in. “Niall, we have to go out now, we’ll be announced in two minutes and they’re waiting us backstage for the mics.”

Niall nods, sits up straighter and closes his eyes, taking a deep, deep,  _deep_ breath. “Okay. Yeah, okay, let’s do it, lads.”

Liam smiles big at him, Zayn takes one of his hands and Louis takes the other to help him stand up from the sofa. Harry appears behind him to slap his bum and wrap an arm around his shoulders. “Are we ready, Zayn?” he asks, putting his hand in the middle of their bundle. Zayn nods, putting his hand on top of Harry’s and asking Liam the same question. The process repeats until Louis gets to Niall, and the blonde doesn’t hesitate, he firmly sets his hand on top of Louis’ and squeezes as hard as he can, “We’re ready.”

 

-

 

They smash it, as always. Halfway through the song Niall feels more like himself, he’s singing with all he’s got, he’s in his element and even if the spark of anxiety is still burning the pit of his stomach he doesn’t focus on it. They receive a loud and long-lasting applause, it makes Niall smile big and proud, his muscles are finally relaxing and he feels lighter than he has felt since he woke up in the morning.

Liam hugs him backstage, followed by Louis, Zayn and Harry. They’re in the middle of backstage, Preston and Paul telling them to move their asses back to their seats, but they don’t let go of each other, Niall’s laugh comes natural and easy from deep within his chest when they give up to leave them be, “I love you, you freaks.”

 

 

**5.**

 

 

It starts with a loud and fussy sneeze when they’re leaving the AMA’s after party. And it gets worse by the time they’re rehearsing for the ARIA awards.

Niall thinks it might be some sort of flu, Harry’s ear hurts as well. It’s probably just a bug going around, but Liam worries all the same. He offers to stay back with Harry to fly to Australia with him and Zayn, but Harry stops him. His tactic is good, Niall has to admit, saying to Liam, “you know I’ll keep you updated if it aches more, but Niall won’t, keep an eye on those sneezes. I think my ear hurts just because the altitude is messing with me.”

Niall rolls his eyes as Liam agrees and promises to sit by Niall’s side in the flight to Australia, which it’s just peachy, because that’s when the coughing starts as well.

He tries to hold it down, tries to let it out hidden behind a laugh or soothing the itch by clearing his throat but none of that works. Liam is already looking at him oddly, side glances when he thinks Niall is not looking, but at the end, Niall sneaks to the bathroom when Liam turns in his seat to say something to Louis.

His already stuffy nose makes it a bit harder to breathe in between coughs but he goes back to his seat feeling a tad more satisfied after blowing his nose a couple of times.

“Why is your nose all red?” Louis asks when he sees him.

“Dunno,” he replies nonchalantly, “allergies and the like, probably.”

“You’re coming down with something,” Louis stats from the seat behind Liam’s. “You’ve been sneezing and now you have a cough.”

“How do you know I have a cough?”

“It’s a small plane, Nialler,” Louis shrugs before putting on his headphones back on his ears and closes his eyes.

“Did you really hear me all the way through the bathroom?” Niall asks baffled.

Liam smiles softly at him and shakes his head, “Nope,” he pats Niall’s seat so Niall can sit back down, they’re close to landing and Niall is still in the middle of the plane’s hallway looking weirdly at Louis, “No, of course we couldn’t. Louis just got you to admit it in his own way.”

Niall sits back down shaking his head, thinking of some way to make Louis pay for outing him like that, but Liam’s concerned eyes are a more pressing matter. “It’s not bad, Li, don’t worry. The good Australian weather will probably do some good.”

“I hope so, Ni. If you are still coughing the day before the show we’ll make you see a doctor.”

“There will be no need, you’ll see.” He smiles at Liam, winking and going back to his phone.

 

-

 

Niall is a hundred percent sure he shouldn’t be feeling cold. Not with the fluffy hoodie he’s wearing and the extra blanket he asked for before going to his hotel room to get some sleep. He looks at his phone again to find that it’s been three minutes since the last time he checked it. It’s too late to still be awake, or too early. He’s been tossing around the bed for three hours but he goes from feeling too hot to feeling cold all over again.

He texts Liam a  _come over_ , when he starts feeling hot again, pretty sure that he’s not getting a reply but he’s surprised when the  _Read 3:47 a.m._  pops in the screen, just roughly five minutes after he sent it.

The knock on the door doesn’t make itself wait and Niall opens the door to find a very awake Liam. “We’ve been here for two days but jetlag still doesn’t let me sleep, mate.” The older lad says as a greeting, he throws himself in Niall’s bed and sighs.

“Didn’t think I’d find you awake at this hour, Payno.”

Liam shrugs from the bed, “Was texting Soph.”

“Oh,” Niall says, “I didn’t interrupt anything, did I?”

“No, mate, don’t worry, she was busy anyways. It’s afternoon in London.” Liam turns to look at Niall when the blonde approaches the bed looking for his hoodie and putting it on again. “Is there something wrong?”

Niall lies down and covers himself with the mess of blankets around him, “Have a headache,” he shrugs, “I’m sleepy, but I can’t fall asleep, I keep getting cold and then hot, then cold again every fifteen minutes,” he sighs, “it’s driving me nuts.”

Liam drags himself closer to Niall, looking at him for a moment as Niall closes his eyes, “you’re sick, Nialler.” He says, pressing his hand to Niall’s neck and then his forehead, “I think you might have a fever.”

“I don’t,” Niall whines, “just lie with me and make me sleep.”

Liam chuckles softly, “do you need painkillers? I have some in my bag back in my room.” He’s got his hands gently playing with Niall’s hair, hoping it will help with the headache, “you’re seeing a doc tomorrow, Ni. The ARIAS are in two days, we need you at your best, little sunshine.”

Niall hums, Liam thinks he didn’t listen to a word he just said.

“Are you falling asleep?” Liam ask in a whisper, slowly taking his hand out of Niall's hair.

“Don’t stop, Leeyum,” Niall grunts.

“Okay, okay. Let’s sleep now, yeah?” He receives another hum for Niall and slips into Niall’s nest so he can be comfortable when he falls asleep.

 

- 

 

They make Niall see a doctor the next morning. He confirms Niall’s fever and gives him antibiotics. “It’s nothing serious,” he says, looking at the other boys, Niall is already falling back asleep, “he should be back to good in a few days, make him rest and drink lots of water. Any liquid besides alcohol will be good.”

They thank him quietly, not wanting to disturb Niall’s sleep, and Liam goes with him to the door and to the first floor so he can pay and thank him properly. When he goes back to Niall’s room he finds Louis trying to gently shake Niall awake, taking a loose string from a blanket and bringing it close to Niall’s nose. Liam is ready to call him out and tell him to stop, but right in that moment Niall startles them all with a sneeze.

Louis falls on his butt laughing and Harry stifles a giggle of his own, Zayn is looking helplessly at them shaking his head. Niall just looks confused.

“What’s going on?” he asks from the bed, rubbing his eyes and sniffling.

“It’s time to take your antibiotics, Ni, we were trying to wake you up.” Louis says, rubbing Niall’s back when he sits up and coughs in his fist.

Niall nods, clearly still half asleep. Liam hands him the pills and looks carefully at Niall until he swallows them both. “That’s a good lad,” Liam says, taking Niall’s empty glass of water, “now lie back down and get some rest, okay? I’ll make sure these morons don’t bother.”

The three of them kiss Niall’s forehead and ruffle his hair, whispering a “feel better soon, Nialler.” Before leaving Liam and Niall alone.

“I’ll close the curtains again, yeah? Then I’ll let you have your sleep,” Liam says.

He’s putting his shoes on again when Niall sits on the bed and says, “Stay, Li. The bed’s big enough.”

Liam nods and smiles at him. They lie there together, the whole day and night.

 

 The next day Niall doesn’t feel as bad. He’s still coughing constantly but he manages to sing his solos without a sneeze or a cough interrupting him.

 

 

**+1.**

 

 

It’s their third day off and the fourth well deserved bath Niall gets since the break started. He’s been home for two days, already organized the awards and the plaques they got from all the places they visited and the awards they attended to.

His fingers are pruney and he spares a minute to think if his butt would get as wrinkly if he stays in the water for an hour more, but he startles when the sound of a bang, apparently from the living room, booms through the whole house.

He steps out of the tub quickly but carefully and wraps his towel around his waist, he opens the door slowly and pads barefoot through the hallway and to the kitchen, “Willie?” he shouts, his voice wavering at the end.

He continues walking towards the living room and he’s more than surprised at what he sees. Harry is kneeling in front of his TV, trying to turn it on, Zayn is watching him struggle with a smirk on his face and Liam and Louis are trying to put one of his beloved guitars back to its place in the wall.

“What the fuck are you lot doing here?” Niall asks, they all jump at the sound of his voice and Louis bumps his head against his set of drums, Niall thinks they deserve it for almost giving him a heart attack back in his bathroom.

“Niall!” Liam says, “I’m sorry, the sack of clumsiness called Harry Styles touched one of the guitars and it literally fell down just at the touch.”

Niall smiles, he’s been having trouble with hanging that guitar lately, he’s expected it to fall down eventually, and it’s amusing that it happened just when Harry stepped in his house.

“That’s okay. As long as it’s not damaged,” Niall shrugs, “the thing that keeps it hanging in there has been causing a bit of trouble.”

“And you have not put a ‘beware’ sign on that?” Louis asks, still rubbing the back of his head and looking offended.

Niall laughs at him, “well, you scared me to death back in the bath so, it’s a tie.”

“Oh, you were taking a bath?” Harry asks with a pout, “Why didn’t you wait for us?”

“I didn’t know I was waiting for anyone, did I?” Niall laughs.

“We wanted to surprise you,” Zayn mumbles from his spot in Niall’s sofa, he looks half asleep already. “Come join me.”

And they do just that. Niall goes back to his room to put on a pair of loose pants and a warm sweatshirt while the others close the curtains and put on a movie. He brings blankets and more pillows from his bedroom, he knows one of them will complain about someone else’s pointy elbow. He wants his boys to be comfortable, just how they do to him.

There’s a space in the middle of their cuddle when Niall gets back to the couch, obviously reserved for Niall and he giggles and blushes when all of them kiss him on his forehead after he covers them with his favourite, fluffiest blanket and gives Harry another pillow so he doesn’t have a sore neck afterwards.

“What’s all this for, then?” he asks in the middle of the movie, he’s _this_ close to falling asleep, Liam’s fingers doing the best job at playing with his messy and still slightly damp hair.

“We love cuddling you,” Zayn says, he’s been in the blink of sleep since the movie started but he keeps saying “oh, I love this part,” every twenty minutes.

“We’ll miss you,” Harry says, voice raspy and sleepy. He’s behind him, as the big spoon, and his breath tickles Niall’s neck every time he laughs at the funny bits of the movie. 

“We’ve had you almost the whole year for us,” Louis says after it’s clear Harry is not going to continue, “and you’re going back home in a few days. We won’t see you until new years and we’ll miss you.”

“It seemed like a good idea to just spend the day cuddling you,” Liam finishes, “now shush, this is the good part.”

Niall smiles, cuddles closer the warmth all of them are giving him. They are like an unit right now and having them all close together makes Niall feel safe and content, “I love you, lads,” he says, “so much.”

“We love you just as much, Ni.” And with that, Niall finally closes his eyes and falls asleep.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you in advance if you leave kudos or bookmark or leave a comment, everything means a lot, thank you for reading<3


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